Song writing help needed...

This song is to the tune of Escape aka Pena Colada
http://www.deadbabes.net/artist_r/rupert_holmes_all_songs/escape_the_pina_colada_song_lyrics.html

So the revised version chorus starts:

If you like penis alotta
and getting fucked by a train

ADD MORE

Porn, it's better than dating!

Dear Dr. Nutcrackher,

I recently came across a bump-her sticker that said, "Porn, it's better than dating!"

I am a little confused by this message and I was wondering if you could shed some light on this.

CowPoker

Hey CowPoker,
Good question; thanks for asking! I came up with a list of reasons, since there ain't just one.

Top 10 Reasons Porn is better than Dating

10. Porn is cheaper than dating
9. Porn won't intentionally play mind-fuck games with you
8. Porn doesn't worry about what to eat at dinner
7. Porn doesn't get jealous if you look at others or even jack off to them
6. Porn has never cut off a viewer's dick (ask Lorena Carrot about this one)
5. Variety, variety, variety
4. How many dates will let you spend a minute with one girl, another minute with another girl, three minutes with 3 girls, all of different ethnicities, and then let you splooge all over her
3. You always get lucky with porn (even if your palms grow more hairy)
2. You don't have to listen to the audio with porn
1. It's a lot easier to get midget porn than midget dates

Question for Readers

Why do women with big tits wear strapless tops and keep pulling them up, thus making sure their tits never fall out? Also, why do they wear revealing tops and constantly place their hand over their cleavage?

Let me know if you are reading

Hey,
If you read this blog, let me know by saying so in the comments. Thanks.
ON ON,
nutc

Lacking Motivation to go to PAAVO

TO: Dr. Nutcrackher

Quote
"Lets see -- I've been to PAAVO maybe 8 times and the running and strip clubs are not a motivator anymore."

Dr. Nutcrackher,
A very good friend of mine needs help; what would you suggest I do to get him back on trail? He seems to be suffering from lack of give a shit!
Sincerely, Egg Beater

DEAR EGGBEATER,

Thanks for asking. I wish I knew who said that, as it would be much easier to diagnose the problem if I knew the mental disorders with which we were dealing. There’s something about the question, tone, and number of trips to PAAVO that make me think the disordered source of that quote must be NUTFARMER. I imagine my answer might be same regardless of whether or not NF said that, so here goes.

WTF!!!!???? (screamed in my loudest fokking voice). WHO in their right mind goes to Paavo to RUN or go to STRIP CLUBS? After going once, those with superior mental abilities would realize to NOT FOKKIN RUN. Who the hell wants to run with a hangover … caused by seeing not-so-attractive strippers? And then spend 5, 6.2, 13.1, or 26.2 miles SHARTing up Hurley’s finest restaurant food? OK, OK, it took me a few years to figure it out, but I am just saying that someone with less than half a mind should be able to figure it out after one year. MORE FOKKIN IMPORTANTLY, who the fokk would go to Hurley to see strippers? Oh, that’s right, Madison hardly has any strip joints. But still!!! Save some fokking coin and travel to any other city. From what I have read, Atlanta and Houston have some of the finest looking strippers. Back to Madison’s lack of strip joints, I’ve heard it has to be with the “liberal” majority attempting to stop the “exploitation of women.” Apparently, the fokks who believe that strippers are exploited have never been to a “gentlemen’s club.” I’ve known strippers who bought mansions and BMW’s due to their EXPLOITATION OF MEN. Not to be too fokking harsh, but I always thought it was the women who couldn’t get a job stripping even in Hurley who complained loudest about the exploitation of women. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex-positive_feminism for a different view. The entire article is interesting, but this quote is pure gold, “Individualist feminists … support the legalization of marijuana, which has been widely reported to prolong female orgasm while delaying male ejaculation.”

And wassup with prostitution? It is often referred to as “selling your body.” First, it seems more like renting than selling. Second, aren’t many folks selling or renting their minds at work? I mean my fokking job sometimes gets under my mind skin and drives me fokking crazy even when I am not at work. Why aren’t more mental jobs considered bad? Why is renting your body worse than renting your mind? What about professional football players who rent their bodies and wind up broken and addicted to pain killers? I bet my left NUT that prostitutes (at least good, honest ones) create more happiness than most other professions. FOKK, I forgot to pay my lawyer!

Of course, bad shit happens to some sex workers. And bad shit happens to other folks as well. Paavo’s fun because you get to spend time with friends in a beautiful, inexpensive place on earth.

What's a HOT article of clothing?

Dear Dr. Nutcracker,

What's a hot article of clothing to leave on during sex? and should I hide the handcuffs?

Sincerely,
Heave HO

---

Dear Heave HO,

A Siberian PARKA in Texass!!! Seriously, I doubt you are HEAVE HO, as she would never HURL any questions at me. I received this question in an odd way and the anonymous writer attributed the question to HEAVE. Anywho, when I try to answer questions like this one, I have to think about what I like, so it will be an answer about what a woman should leave on since I ain't gay (sorry DIEGO FAYGO). If it were HEAVE HO that I was forced to think about, then I would have to say that hottest thing you could wear would be a vomit bag. Recall the time you vomited in my Jeep at Paavo. Well, you probably don't remember it but get LIKES IT to explain it as she was the one who pointed your head in my Jeep. Here's a pic to help your memory!

OK, enough already, what is a hot article of clothing? Given my predilection for DOGGY STYLE, I'd have to say a cowgirl hat (while she is in DOGGY STYLE or reverse cowgirl). On the other hand, that is, on the other women, at this sexual fest, they could be wearing NURSE's outfits. Yeah, I know that is a typical fantasy and I used to have it, but after being around hospitals and seeing how nurses really look (no offense to Nurse hashers), I would just like to see at least one sexy nurse. I also think the following look hot -- school girl uniform, Harley gear, teacher's outfit, cop's uniform, maid's uniform, blue jean shirt, just a neck tie, just an apron, edible undies, nothing but honey, my momma's clothes... Hell, you get the idea -- most anything looks hot on a hot woman!!!

Regarding the handcuffs, if you wanna use them on her, you should probably hide them, until you get the feeling that she trusts you. If you wanna be cuffed, just show 'em to her and tell your cuffing fantasy. If she cuffs you, licks your balls for 30 seconds, and then steals all your shit and leaves, she wasn't right for you anyway. Trust me, I've been there.

Sincerely,
Dr. Nutcracker

Wassup with COCK size?

Some women like big cox; some women don't. Trust me, my honey often complains about the size of my manhood and it is not big. Just like some men have large ones, some women have large ones. But no woman wants a large vagina. So why do men want a larger penis? I know of no direct research measuring men's wants for larger cox but we can all think of case studies. For instance, I had a friend (it is not one of those friend stories) who had a brother who got paid lots of coin to be a lawyer in the army. So he had lots of money and wanted a larger cock. He travelled from KY to CA to get a larger one from the same docs who do it for porn stars. So he winds up with a larger one and spends months icing this purple turnip-looking thing. Given this, I ask my friend why his brother got a larger one. I said, does he have a small one? But my friend says no and that his brother said he just wanted to hurt women. WOW!

I recently read a book by Jared Diamond about why we like to fokk. It didn't present much new info but was well written and interesting if you want to catch up on the latest research. Anyhow, he does offer an interesting explanation for why men are so concerned about cock size. He even suggests that MEN rather than WOMEN are more concerned about cock size. He says that cock size relates to dominance, such that large cox are perceived to be more dominant. And we know how men like dominance. So we might think that men would perceive other men who appear to have large cox as more dominant. For instance, NUTFARMER might be perceived to be a leader by MEN because it appears that he has a large cock, unless of course, you know that he stuffs his crotch with sox.

Why God is a MAN!!

God has to be a man, for if he were a woman he would have put men's tongues about 1/2 inch above the base of the penis.

Origin

When I ran with the Madison Hash House Harriers, I was asked to write a "sex advice" column for their newsletter. Blown Dry was the one who had the idea of me writing such a column.

I wrote that column for a few years, until I moved away from Madison. I now live in TEXASS and hash less but still have thoughts that might be worth blogging. Most of my advice is meant as a JOKE, so it is best not to act on any of it UNTIL you talk to someone who gives a damn!

I will post ramblings and will try to answer your questions in the most f-ed up way possible.